Loosening the Bonds of Self-Criticism

So, I thought I’d “mastered” blogging (lol) when I discovered Monday night I’d erased Monday’s post and on Tuesday am, didn’t schedule it right.  After chastising myself for “ruining” Monday and Tuesday, I thought I can either keep feeling bad or let it go.   Yes, it was a mistake but not fatal or harmful, except for my beating myself up.

And isn’t this how life goes?  Whether it’s being a “good enough” mom, wife, daughter, worker, blogger, we as women focus tirelessly on where we’ve fallen short, feeling worthless and unhappy.  We are our own worst critic.  We would rarely be as unforgiving of someone else.  But we’re convinced, we deserve it!

How do we get out of this rut?  First, by practicing self-care and making our health and well-being a priority.  My “mistakes” followed two crazy weeks of non-stop activity but I was so energized by what I was doing, I told myself that would carry me through.  It didn’t.  The more depleted we become, the more likely we are to make mistakes, and vulnerable to self-criticism because negative thinking comes easier and seems truer.

Next, we need to “befriend” ourselves and extend the same kindness and generosity we would to a good friend who was feeling badly about herself.  Yes, it’s okay to treat ourselves as well as others.  It is the key to releasing self-criticism, knowing we are deserving of love although we are imperfect and make mistakes.  Unconditional love towards ourselves.

A most important self-care skill to practice.

More Spring Cleaning

Here are some additional thoughts on how to renew ourselves and release old, worn thoughts and habits.  Spring cleaning from the inside out.

Discover what’s nourishing.  Just as plants need water and sunshine to grow, we need physical, emotional, and spiritual sustenance.  Start with eating healthy foods, getting regular physical activity, sleeping 8-9 hours, and taking breaks for your mind and body.  Do one thing you enjoy daily, whether it’s phoning a friend, listening to music or walking your dog.  Nurture your spirit through prayer, meditation, or communing with nature.

Let go of un-nourishing relationships.  Being honest about admitting and detaching from relationships which aren’t good anymore can still hurt especially   ones involving family and long-term friends.  If we’ve spoken to them about what needs to be different and things haven’t changed over time, release them with love.   Clearing space for nourishing relationships to enter.

Cultivate optimism.  Looking more on the “sunny” side of life can be learned by shifting attention away from negative thoughts to more positive ones.  There are few situations which are all good or all bad.  Our great job may sour when we get a new boss.   An untimely move lead to a wonderful neighborhood with friends with love.  Prune your mind of unnecessary negativity.

Practice gratitude.

Photo by Real Mom Kim

When we feel grateful, our souls are nourished and restored.  We have a more positive attitude toward today and what lies ahead.  We feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.  Supported in the deepest sense.  Abundant and alive.

Spring is in the Air: Time for Emotional Cleaning

Spring is in the air.   As the days get longer and the weather warms, we feel a growing urge to refresh and renew our lives.  The blossoming season brings with it the opportunity to release what we’ve held on to mentally or emotionally, which no longer fits.  Spring cleaning indeed.

Clearing away old beliefs.  Just like our physical space, our minds are often cluttered with wornout beliefs and ideas.  In cognitive therapy, clients learn to monitor their negative beliefs and refute them.  If someone grew up being criticized, they may have the belief “I’m no good”.  As an adult however, they may have a successful career or be a caring parent, evidence that this belief is not true.  Changing automatic assumptions is empowering and liberating.

Sow the seeds of intention: Step One.  Along with releasing negative thoughts, we must clarify what we want.  Why is this challenging?  First, our minds  chatter constantly over urgent but not important matters.  Like what we said that offended someone we hardly know or putting the laundry away.  Instead, we need to quiet our “monkey mind” through prayer, meditation and relaxation.   Stillness allows connection with our deeper selves.

Sow the seeds of intention: Step Two.  When our mind is still, we see more clearly how we want to live.  Then during our daily meditation/prayer, we can set our intentions for serenity, peaceful relationships, health, etc., allowing our intention and energy to flow in the direction we desire.  Creating the life we want one day at a time.

Stress Getting the Best of You? Just Breathe.

When first introduced to breathing as a relaxation technique, we wonder how something so simple can work.  My favorite story about “breathing” was finding my 10 year-old daughter playing the deep breathing/relaxation CD I’d made to a friend who was spending the night  and having trouble sleeping.  She said, “Just listen–you’ll feel better.”  Fifteen minutes later, they were both asleep.

Deep breathing works so well because we spend so much time physically  and emotionally stressed.  Psychologist Alice Domar states that the average US adult experiences the fight or flight response 50 times daily.  While adaptive for cave-dwelling ancestors running from saber-toothed tigers, the flood of stress chemicals through our bodies makes us edgy, irritable, and more vulnerable to physical and emotional health problems.  Likewise, it results in short, shallow breathing which fuels rather than diminishes the stress response.

The busier we are, the truer this is, especially for moms with small children who already feel physically and emotionally depleted.  The more rundown we are, the more likely the fight-flight response is to trigger.  Research has shown that five minutes of deep breathing several times a day leads to lower stress hormones by day’s end.  Why wait?  If we can delay bedtime to pick up the house, certainly we can take 5 minutes, 3 times a day, to improve our physical and emotional well-being.  Although it may feel strange at first to be still and breathe deeply, it feels good.

This week’s mantra: “I always have my breath to destress.”

Read more.

Regretfully Yours…

Dictionary.com defines regret as “a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.” When I hear people speak of their regrets, they are usually thinking about their pasts. But we all know that we can’t change the past and we can’t predict the future. So, what function do regrets really have?

Author Rory Cochrane once said, “I do not regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do.” So whether you’re thinking of something you wish you hadn’t done or maybe something you wish you had, regret can function as a guide for present-moment decisions. And all we have is the gift of right now – that’s why it’s called the “present.”

Personally, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I’m one of those people that believe that everything happens for a reason, so what is there to regret? The Cochrane quote really had a big impact on me the first time I read it. I have been an anxious person most of my life, and was allowing the fear to make my world smaller and smaller. Reading that quote made something “click” in my head and helped me say “yes” to things that I wanted to do but usually would have said “no” to out of fear of the unknown.

Are there things that you regret? Perhaps there’s a person that you’d like to reconnect with or a situation that you can correct. Today is the first day of March. While Spring doesn’t officially start until the 20th, why not start anew today? Fix the things you can and work on letting go of the things you can’t. Regret, like guilt, can be an excellent motivator, but hanging onto it too long is just a waste of precious energy.

Hello, Me. Long Time No See.

Something happened when I became a mother.

I became disconnected from my thoughts, feelings and desires. With two little people depending on me, I spent my time on their needs and wants. When I wasn’t taking care of them, I shifted my attention to my work, husband and home life. Then, back to the kids.

Gone were the childfree days of college and young professional life, when I would spend hours alone, contemplating my place in the world, journaling (oh, the journals I have filled!), taking long walks in the woods, imagining life’s possibilities and going after them one by one.

As a mom, my only times alone with my thoughts have been 10 minutes in the shower or commuting to work. And guess what I was thinking? “Man, this shower feels good” or “I really hate this $#&@ing traffic.” Deep stuff.

Perhaps because my almost-5-year-old is more independent and my 19-month-old is no longer a baby, I’m now emerging from the mom-cocoon. It also helps that I work for myself, from home, with child care. As I poke my head (antennae?) out, I’m looking around saying, “What about me? What do I want?”

I’m allowing myself to move up my priority list. How do I want to spend my time? What do I want to experience or accomplish? It’s exciting to ponder these questions. I’m still a mom, with all the responsibilities and joys that come with it. But I’m also a person — who’s enjoying getting reacquainted with herself again.

Today’s author Susan is co-founder of Working Moms Against Guilt.

Simple Strategies for Self-Care

Think you don’t have the time or money to pamper yourself? Not to worry… I want to share some ways I squeeze in inexpensive “quickies” to nurture myself. Utilize 5-15 minute increments sprinkled throughout the day to take care of yourself while taking care of everything and everyone else.

  1. Flavor your coffee with fancy creamer BEFORE the rest of the family awakes. Read something uplifting or humorous to start the day on a positive note.
  2. If your children are jumping on that last nerve, put yourself in time out. For 3-5 minutes breathe deeply then hum a happy tune.
  3. Bathe young children during the day. While they’re playing in the water, read a novel or catch up on your favorite blogs on a laptop/smart phone right there in the bathroom.  It’s also an excellent opportunity for a facial scrub/mask or to paint fingernails (one thin coat of light iridescent pink dries fast and chips are less noticeable).
  4. Utilize kids’ nap time for craft projects, a good movie, or a nap yourself. Resist the urge to do chores. Resting IS productive.
  5. Time/childcare permitting, make a date with yourself. Spend an hour or two visiting the library, coffee shop, salon, or art galleries-whatever you enjoy.
  6. Monitor and eliminate negative self-talk. Speak kindly to yourself. Challenges are just opportunities to find another way.
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Real woman Mommie Kate

Each day, be good to yourself. You’re worth it! Today’s author is Mommie Kate who offers tips and encouragement for busy moms at Practical Faith for Everyday Life.