The Meta-Chemistry of Love

Have you noticed lately there’s a lot of news about the chemistry of relationships? I love to think about the reaction between our bodies, brains, and feelings. I was talking to my teenage son about this and he said, “Isn’t that meta-chemistry?  How people react to each other?  Like metaphysics, only between people.” Yeah, like that.

New research shows that serotonin dips when you feel like you “can’t get enough” of a new love. Dopamine increases in love, which makes you feel just oh so good! Oxytocin, the “cuddle chemical,” not only helps us birth a baby, but it helps us bond and want monogamy, while testosterone makes us want sex. It’s easy to say that women are one way and men are the other, but intimacy doesn’t work well if we forget that men are emotional beings and women are sexual. Thank goodness that metachemistry helps us remember.

Real Mom Wendy

Chemistry is also at work when you’re anxious or angry, and your brain, heart, and adrenal system pump out a virtual fireworks display of chemicals. If you can remember that when it’s happening, you might not have to lash out, freak out, or run away. That’s easier when you’ve been taking care of yourself.

Just as stress builds up,  self-care and relationship-care add up too, both for the heart that beats in your body and the heart that holds your love.   Now, that’s metachemistry!

Today’s author is Wendy Davis, Postpartum Support International (PSI) Program Director.

Time for Self-Care: Self-Preserving, Not Selfish!

This month we’ve been talking about self-care and the importance of making it part of our lives. Last week, our guest blogger Mommie Kate, had some simple self-care tips which many moms appreciated.  Still, the issue of time stops many women from practicing self-care.

In our new book, Life Will Never be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide,  Ann and I devote an entire chapter to the obstacles that get in our way.   Here’s what we write about making time for self-care.

1. Self-Care is a Choice:

“Children are demanding. They make their needs known. Messy houses scream: “Load these dishes” or “Make that bed.” Bosses inflict deadlines.  Your needs sink to the bottom of the list.  But, no one will make time for you or take care of you if you don’t.  No one will realize your needs if you don’t speak up.  Choose to put yourself first-at least once a day. ”

2. Adjust your expectations

“Another part of making time for yourself  is adjusting your expectations about how much time is needed.  Learn to think small. Take five minutes to practice deep breathing.   Or take twenty minutes to disappear into the bedroom when your partner comes home.  Use multi-tasking, too.   Lie on the floor with a magazine, next to the baby while he has his “tummy time,” and coo to him. Walk or jog with your infant.  Repeat to yourself, “Time for me is essential,” “My baby deserves a happy, healthy mom.”

For more ideas, preview our book at www.realmomexperts.com.

Loosening the Bonds of Self-Criticism

So, I thought I’d “mastered” blogging (lol) when I discovered Monday night I’d erased Monday’s post and on Tuesday am, didn’t schedule it right.  After chastising myself for “ruining” Monday and Tuesday, I thought I can either keep feeling bad or let it go.   Yes, it was a mistake but not fatal or harmful, except for my beating myself up.

And isn’t this how life goes?  Whether it’s being a “good enough” mom, wife, daughter, worker, blogger, we as women focus tirelessly on where we’ve fallen short, feeling worthless and unhappy.  We are our own worst critic.  We would rarely be as unforgiving of someone else.  But we’re convinced, we deserve it!

How do we get out of this rut?  First, by practicing self-care and making our health and well-being a priority.  My “mistakes” followed two crazy weeks of non-stop activity but I was so energized by what I was doing, I told myself that would carry me through.  It didn’t.  The more depleted we become, the more likely we are to make mistakes, and vulnerable to self-criticism because negative thinking comes easier and seems truer.

Next, we need to “befriend” ourselves and extend the same kindness and generosity we would to a good friend who was feeling badly about herself.  Yes, it’s okay to treat ourselves as well as others.  It is the key to releasing self-criticism, knowing we are deserving of love although we are imperfect and make mistakes.  Unconditional love towards ourselves.

A most important self-care skill to practice.

More Spring Cleaning

Here are some additional thoughts on how to renew ourselves and release old, worn thoughts and habits.  Spring cleaning from the inside out.

Discover what’s nourishing.  Just as plants need water and sunshine to grow, we need physical, emotional, and spiritual sustenance.  Start with eating healthy foods, getting regular physical activity, sleeping 8-9 hours, and taking breaks for your mind and body.  Do one thing you enjoy daily, whether it’s phoning a friend, listening to music or walking your dog.  Nurture your spirit through prayer, meditation, or communing with nature.

Let go of un-nourishing relationships.  Being honest about admitting and detaching from relationships which aren’t good anymore can still hurt especially   ones involving family and long-term friends.  If we’ve spoken to them about what needs to be different and things haven’t changed over time, release them with love.   Clearing space for nourishing relationships to enter.

Cultivate optimism.  Looking more on the “sunny” side of life can be learned by shifting attention away from negative thoughts to more positive ones.  There are few situations which are all good or all bad.  Our great job may sour when we get a new boss.   An untimely move lead to a wonderful neighborhood with friends with love.  Prune your mind of unnecessary negativity.

Practice gratitude.

Photo by Real Mom Kim

When we feel grateful, our souls are nourished and restored.  We have a more positive attitude toward today and what lies ahead.  We feel connected to something bigger than ourselves.  Supported in the deepest sense.  Abundant and alive.

Spring is in the Air: Time for Emotional Cleaning

Spring is in the air.   As the days get longer and the weather warms, we feel a growing urge to refresh and renew our lives.  The blossoming season brings with it the opportunity to release what we’ve held on to mentally or emotionally, which no longer fits.  Spring cleaning indeed.

Clearing away old beliefs.  Just like our physical space, our minds are often cluttered with wornout beliefs and ideas.  In cognitive therapy, clients learn to monitor their negative beliefs and refute them.  If someone grew up being criticized, they may have the belief “I’m no good”.  As an adult however, they may have a successful career or be a caring parent, evidence that this belief is not true.  Changing automatic assumptions is empowering and liberating.

Sow the seeds of intention: Step One.  Along with releasing negative thoughts, we must clarify what we want.  Why is this challenging?  First, our minds  chatter constantly over urgent but not important matters.  Like what we said that offended someone we hardly know or putting the laundry away.  Instead, we need to quiet our “monkey mind” through prayer, meditation and relaxation.   Stillness allows connection with our deeper selves.

Sow the seeds of intention: Step Two.  When our mind is still, we see more clearly how we want to live.  Then during our daily meditation/prayer, we can set our intentions for serenity, peaceful relationships, health, etc., allowing our intention and energy to flow in the direction we desire.  Creating the life we want one day at a time.

Stress Getting the Best of You? Just Breathe.

When first introduced to breathing as a relaxation technique, we wonder how something so simple can work.  My favorite story about “breathing” was finding my 10 year-old daughter playing the deep breathing/relaxation CD I’d made to a friend who was spending the night  and having trouble sleeping.  She said, “Just listen–you’ll feel better.”  Fifteen minutes later, they were both asleep.

Deep breathing works so well because we spend so much time physically  and emotionally stressed.  Psychologist Alice Domar states that the average US adult experiences the fight or flight response 50 times daily.  While adaptive for cave-dwelling ancestors running from saber-toothed tigers, the flood of stress chemicals through our bodies makes us edgy, irritable, and more vulnerable to physical and emotional health problems.  Likewise, it results in short, shallow breathing which fuels rather than diminishes the stress response.

The busier we are, the truer this is, especially for moms with small children who already feel physically and emotionally depleted.  The more rundown we are, the more likely the fight-flight response is to trigger.  Research has shown that five minutes of deep breathing several times a day leads to lower stress hormones by day’s end.  Why wait?  If we can delay bedtime to pick up the house, certainly we can take 5 minutes, 3 times a day, to improve our physical and emotional well-being.  Although it may feel strange at first to be still and breathe deeply, it feels good.

This week’s mantra: “I always have my breath to destress.”

Read more.

Regretfully Yours…

Dictionary.com defines regret as “a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.” When I hear people speak of their regrets, they are usually thinking about their pasts. But we all know that we can’t change the past and we can’t predict the future. So, what function do regrets really have?

Author Rory Cochrane once said, “I do not regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do.” So whether you’re thinking of something you wish you hadn’t done or maybe something you wish you had, regret can function as a guide for present-moment decisions. And all we have is the gift of right now – that’s why it’s called the “present.”

Personally, I can honestly say I have no regrets. I’m one of those people that believe that everything happens for a reason, so what is there to regret? The Cochrane quote really had a big impact on me the first time I read it. I have been an anxious person most of my life, and was allowing the fear to make my world smaller and smaller. Reading that quote made something “click” in my head and helped me say “yes” to things that I wanted to do but usually would have said “no” to out of fear of the unknown.

Are there things that you regret? Perhaps there’s a person that you’d like to reconnect with or a situation that you can correct. Today is the first day of March. While Spring doesn’t officially start until the 20th, why not start anew today? Fix the things you can and work on letting go of the things you can’t. Regret, like guilt, can be an excellent motivator, but hanging onto it too long is just a waste of precious energy.